26.1.11

Melancholy

Well what can I say, today has been a very interesting day. I am going to warn you this post is kind of depressing. So if you are on the verge of slitting your wrist, I wouldn't read it.

I have realized today that I am not coping with reality. I need to maybe Google this, but I think I have post traumatic stress. I keep saying to myself over and over, this didn't happen, this didn't happen. He is not really dead.

I could be walking down the street and then out of know where I am like this crazy drunken bag lady breaking down in front of people. So what would I be "googling"? Symptoms include : Having sudden panic attacks, not wanting to deal with reality, spontaneous crying, running 6, 7, 8 miles to release frustration, wants to kill her pet zebra finches, wants to punch someone in the face, wants to go away and rest for a good week. Is this normal? Oh I am not asking you, I am asking my crazy self. That is what us crazies do we talk to ourselves and answer our own questions. Sometimes I argue with myself. Shh, don't say that, they'll think we're crazy.

One thing that I don't want people to confuse, is that I am not sad over him being dead. I know he is in a better place. I know I will miss him. I am not melancholy because of that. The melancholy comes from watching him die. So even tho I know he is comfortable where he is and has had a joyous reunion with late family members. I still had to wait for all the organs to shut down in a healthy 31 year old. I still had to wait for him to take his last breath. I still had to hold my grieving mother. I still had to plan a funeral. I still had to write his eulogy. I still have to get up everyday and tell myself, this did happen, you are going to have to deal with this reality. What else can I do, but that. I am hoping that writing about it, helps.

It's not a bad dream, it really happened.

3 comments:

Nick, Kelsey, Makoy, & Spud said...

I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from, but if I can help in ANY way, please don't be afraid to call. My mom passed away and I know its different, but I have an idea what you're going through. I've been there. Please please if you need to talk or anything, or SHOP I'm here!

Aricka said...

Kelsey, I had no idea that you lost your mom. I am sorry for your loss. We do need to talk. I am just wondering what I should expect. I am just a little confused to how this will all turn out. Thanks

Nick, Kelsey, Makoy, & Spud said...

You can call or text anytime! 716-1930